


The Lost Angel

by Explizit_Lizards



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel/Human Relationships, Angst, Completed, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Karaoke, M/M, Slow Dancing, angel - Freeform, sinning angel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-25
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-19 10:16:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 6,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19972417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Explizit_Lizards/pseuds/Explizit_Lizards
Summary: Cas feeling like his presence is only causing Sam and Dean more trouble decides to go off on his own not wanting to be responsible for any more pain. As Cas struggles with his identity as an angel in love with a human, Dean tries to cheer him up by taking him out for some drinks not knowing that it might lead to something more.





	1. Cas

Cars race by me as I walk along the empty streets, illuminating the darkness for brief moments, giving me fleeting glimpses of the filth that lines the road. A universe of stars sparkles above me as I make my way to nowhere. I never understood humans’ distain for the dark; they seem to live constantly in fear of the true beauty of the world. Hiding away indoors, slamming shut their shutters… but to be fair I’ve never understood why humans do anything, not to mention fear the heavens. That’s the one problem with the night; I don’t get to silently watch the human experience. I enjoy watching humans. Their small quirks that make them human bring me much amusement. Perhaps the angels were right, maybe I truly am in love with humanity, if nothing else. Heaven is no longer somewhere I have to hold onto, so why shouldn’t I love humanity?  
I left the bunker again with out telling either Sam or Dean. I’ve just grown so tired of the constant disappointment in their eyes when they look at me, especially Dean. The last couple of days he has looked at me as if I am a monster, another failure in his world. I am just another creature of the night in a world made of monsters; a freak. He will never see me as a being capable of feeling human emotions, and in a way he’s right. When I see him save humans, the look in his eyes is liberating. He would never look at me like that. The almost disgust in his eyes when he looked at me tonight is ingrained into my mind. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is his look of betrayal, as if I was just another one of his demons. I couldn’t stand it. So I left. And here I am, once again alone, an outcast on heaven and earth. I’m a stranger even to my families.  
It’s cold and the wind and rain whip around me and I wish I could feel it. I wish I could feel the wind bight across my cheek the shiver down my spine, but everything always feels the same. It is moments like these that I wish I were human. I would risk any amount of pain if it meant I was able to feel the vast range of human emotions. I’m sick of this cosmic power that swirls inside me. I am an abomination anyway. I am no angel; I don’t deserve any of this power bestowed upon me by God. I’m nothing but a… a … Hell, I don’t know what I am anymore. “Failure” is one word for me. The amount of times I’ve rebelled against heaven isn’t the only thing that taints my angelic soul; it’s Dean. When I look at him, I feel a longing that no angel should feel, especially not for a human. If anyone knew the way my stomach twists when he’s close to me, or the way my pulse flutters when he enters a room, or how I look at him when no one is watching, they would have me stripped of my grace for such a sin. Maybe I am better off human. Maybe he would love me then. But that, of course, is a foolish thought. I’ve been human before, and if he didn’t love me then, why would he love me now? Maybe things would be different without monsters or angels. If we were just people who happened upon each other, maybe then he would love me. But despite heaven or Dean’s opinions, I am still an angel of the Lord and I will continue to protect Sam and Dean, and the people I love. Although lately I haven’t even been able to do that. I have caused them more harm than good. It’s probably for the best I left, this way I can’t hurt anyone.  
These thoughts drown me, as I walk the empty streets -- fear far from my mind. Even though I’m armed, I know that it’s reckless to wander alone at night. But I don’t care.  
The streets get wider and wider until I’m no longer surrounded by buildings and I’m on the open road.

I once had a cause-- something to keep me going. I used to blindly answer to the call of God or others I cared for. That calling has long ceased to matter to me, so now I‘m here, standing in the middle of the highway. Eventually my mindless walking leads me to a bridge overlooking a bay. It’s nice here. It is in places like this I find myself able to think more clearly, surrounded by God’s creations, the stars reflecting across the water, the spray of salt water, the cry of sea birds; this is what God intended when he created the earth, not disappointments like me. Perhaps I should banish myself to the sea. Then my body could be eaten by fish and at least I won’t be wasting as much space.  
My phone rings, and it’s Dean. I don’t answer; I am not in the mood to listen to him scold me for being an idiot. So I just let it ring…


	2. Dean

_Damnit Cas!_ Why don’t you ever answer your damn phone?! I think as my call goes to voice mail. The usual message of, “this is Cas… uh… make your voice a mail.”  
“No luck?” Sam asks, poking his head out of an adjacent room. I shake my head at him, exasperated.  
“He’ll be fine; this isn’t the first time he’s disappeared.” He throws me a beer and I just barely catch it, my mind preoccupied.  
“I’m going to go look for him.”  
“What? Dude, he’s fine. He’s an angel, he can take care of himself.”  
“Fine?” I scoff at Sam’s ability to use that word. After everything we’ve gone through, he of all people should know that things are never ‘fine’. “I’ve had enough close calls to never just assume he’s ‘fine’.” Sam’s expression softens, which kind of pisses me off.  
“You want me to come with you?”  
“No. I got this one.” I grab my keys off the table, itching to be on the road. As I’m about to leave, Sam calls from the bottom of the stairs,  
“Hey bring back some pie, will you?”  
“Fine, bitch.”  
“Jerk.” I smirk and head out the door.


	3. Cas

Dean’s dreams have always been filled with nightmares, something I’ve learned from watching him sleep. I’ve made it my habit to ease his pain in the night when he’s tossing and turning. It has become my nightly routine; I decided if I was good at nothing else, at least I was making sure one man got some sleep. Before I left, I went in to check his nightmares. I normally make myself invisible during these endeavors to make sure he doesn’t wake up and see me. I have learned the hard way that unsettles him, but something was different tonight, something snapped in me. I put my index finger to his forehead and he looked no different than any other night, but I couldn’t bring myself to look away. He looked peaceful in his sleep; the lines of anger that normally crease his forehead were gone, a hint of a smile on his lips. A stranger would never have guessed the horrors he has gone through. Dean looked so beautiful then, the moonlight illuminating his face, his eyelashes making curled shadows on his cheeks. Of course, all God’s creations are beautiful, but this was different. This beauty was beyond God and creation; this was something that shattered my heart. Looking down at him, his soft lips smiling up at me, I knew my greatest mistake was falling in love with a human. I had to leave-- I couldn’t stay. Something was stirring inside me. A creature had been awoken inside me. I know this feeling and I fear it. I know I was never one to obey heaven’s rules, but this was different. This was something bigger than myself. Love is uncharted territory not meant for angels. We are supposed to be like the godly equivalent of nuns: _love all but never one _. This new thing inside of me scared me, this feeling has been building inside of me for a long time but I could no longer contain it, so I left. _An angel in love with a human, how pathetic _, I scoffed at myself, _it’s like a cat falling in love with a mouse _. I know that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is that I am in love with a human who will never love me back.______


	4. Dean

I don’t know what I’m doing. I have been driving recklessly around nowhere for the last couple of hours, and there is still no sign of Cas. The dude is hard to find when he wants to be. I should have just waited till morning to go looking for him, waited until I had a clear head, but I couldn’t help but worry. I mean, how could I not? He was dead just a couple months ago; I don’t want to let him out of my sight again. _Dead _. I can’t even think of it. The depressed funk I was in when he was gone… I can’t do that again. I can’t afford it. The sun sets, the darkness obscuring my vision. I end up at the coast, though I don’t know what prompted me to come here. Something in my gut, a tug telling me I need to be here. After driving around some more, there he is. He stands with his back facing me, staring over the edge of the bridge looking down at the water. I almost pass him I’m going so fast. I swerve the car and pull over. I jump out, ready to demand an explanation. “What the Hell are you doing here?” He starts at the sound of my voice. I almost forget my anger when I see the startled expression on his face when he sees me. _Isn’t he supposed to have fucking angel radar senses? _“Hello, Dean.” That’s all he says. And the he just stares at me with those puppy-dog eyes of his. Something is definitely wrong, so I try to push down my anger-- something I’ve never been good at doing. I lean my back against the railing of the bridge. He doesn’t look at me; he keeps his unfocused eyes transfixed on the water, searching for something that he’ll never find. I know I should be comforting him in some way, but that’s never been my strong suit. I’ve always let Sam take care of that kind of stuff. “Come on buddy, let’s go back to the bunker and we can sort this out.”____


	5. Cas

I should have guessed he’d come back for me, but it’s still a shock. I am secretly glad he did. I can tell he’s trying to be comforting, but it’s not working. He keeps calling me ‘buddy’ and I can’t stand it. He just continues to emphasize the fact he sees me more as a pet than anything else. He’s talking to me, but I’m not really listening. I don’t want to go back; I want to stay here with the ocean.   
“Come on buddy, let’s go.” This is the last buddy that breaks the camel’s back, as they say. I am no ‘buddy,’ I am a cosmic being. I am not going to let him continue to use this word to belittle me. I know he doesn’t mean any harm, but each time he says it, it is a jab that diminishes my feelings toward him. It’s a word I know he uses to pretend that he doesn’t see me as anything other than a funny little angel. His ‘buddy.’ Well, I am not his ‘buddy’ or funny, so I snap.  
“Stop!” I yell, interrupting him. He stares at me as if I’m some type of alien.   
“Just stop.” I take a deep breath. I can see the anger twitching in his eyes, but I don’t care because I am just… just done. “I’m not your ‘buddy,’ I’m not your anybody. I’ve done nothing but fail you over and over. Just go back without me, you don’t need me.”  
Dean shoves his hands in his hair. I can tell that he is about at the end of his rope, and me aggravating him isn’t going to help our tangled relationship. I regret my words as soon as I say them and wait for Dean’s blow.  
“Damnit Cas! You can’t fucking do that. You can’t just leave like that without telling us where you’re going. I just got you back, I- I can’t lose you again.” His voice cracks on these last words and the emotion in his voice is almost enough to give me false hope.   
“Just get in the damn car, will you Cas?” I can hear the weariness in his voice.   
“Dean…” I know I need to apologize for my words; I just keep making a mess of everything. Dean ignores me, putting his hands in his pockets and bringing out the keys to baby, and turning her on. Then he just stares at me expectantly. When I don’t move, he rolls his eyes and shouts through the closed door,   
“I didn’t drive halfway across the country for you to stay behind because of your self pity, so get your feathered ass in the car!”


	6. Dean

We drive in silence for awhile, I keep glancing at him to make sure he is still there, if I wasn’t so exhausted from driving I probably would have kept yelling at the sonavabitch for leaving like that. It was a dick move, but I just don’t have the time or the heart to deal with it right now.   
“You still have that mix-tape I gave you?” He pulls a cassette tape, battered from age, from his trench coat pocket, and I take it. Our fingers brush against each other as I take it from his hand. I find myself blushing, my fingers tingling from the touch. Godamnit, this whole day has me frazzled. I pop in the tape in and let Led Zepplin fill the car.   
Cas sits with his head pressed against the window, looking out at the night. I am still angry with him; he can’t just disappear like that, he just can’t. God, at least the fear that had been bubbling up in my stomach has dissipated.   
The Milky Way shines above us, stretching for miles across the flat horizon. Despite how breathtaking the sky is, I keep finding my eyes drifting to Cas. He sits slumped against the window, watching the world go by. I have a desire to wrap my arms around him, he looks too damn pathetic. I quickly brush away the thought. I doubt angels appreciate hugs; instead I decide to break the silence.  
“You know what I think we could both use? A good stiff drink.” He lifts his head from the window but still doesn’t look at me.  
“Dean, you know angels don’t drink,” he says bluntly, still not making eye contact.   
“I know, Cas,” I sigh, the long breath expanding in the air around us. “But it’ll be fun. It’ll help you learn to loosen up a bit.” He grunts and turns back towards the window. I don’t know why, but I want to show Cas a nice time, get him to at least smile. I can’t pin down why this is so important to me, but I know that after everything, Cas deserves to take one night off.

I decide we should go to a nicer bar instead of a run of the mill strip club, although nice is relative for me. When we get out of the car, the neon lights and sounds of chatter seem almost threatening, but my need for a drink is stronger than any hesitations I have. These types of places are normally where I feel most myself; I can usually just let myself go, but I feel nervous tonight.  
“Hey look, it’s karaoke night,” I say to Cas, pointing at the sign on the door. All he gives me is a meek smile. I linger on the sidewalk, wanting to say more, but not knowing what to say. He doesn’t give me the chance to open my mouth, anyway; he brushes past me and I follow him into the bar. It’s decently full, the people all freshly drunk despite the earliness of the night. We sit down at the counter and I order us two whiskeys. Cas gulps his straight down without a second thought.   
“I thought you said you didn’t drink,” I say with a smirk.  
“I decided given the circumstances, I can drink for formality’s sake.” I shake my head; I don’t think I’ll ever understand Cas’s logic.   
The music is thumping in my ears, the bass turned up, making it hard to think. People are dancing, their bodies grinding and twisting in the semi darkness. I know I should be talking about Cas’s disappearance, but I want to dance. Dancing and drinking: the two greatest wonders in life.  
“Hey.” I tap Cas on the shoulder, regaining his attention. “You should go dance with one of those girls over there.” I point towards a gaggle of girls sitting on the other end of the bar who all look ready to dance.   
Cas fidgets in his chair and looks down at his hands.  
“I-uh… don’t know how to dance.” of course he doesn’t. I don’t want to leave him, but I need a good dance to relieve myself of the stress weighing on me.   
“Dude, just give it a try. Lighten up.” He glares at me, but I’m not buying it. “Come on, I’ll be your wingman,” I grab him by the arm and drag him over to the group of girls and begin to work my magic.  
“You ladies are looking pretty lonely tonight,” I say leaning my back against the bar. The ladies look over at us and giggle-- a good sign. I could tell from halfway across the bar that these ladies are itching for a dance as much as I am. “See my buddy and I had a bet: I didn’t think beautiful ladies such as yourselves would ever dance with us.” I flash them my killer smile, and bang! They’re hooked.   
“Well, you were wrong.” A blonde who was obviously the leader of the group drapes her arm over my shoulder. “Looks like you owe your friend some money.” One of the girl’s friends is soon all over Cas, too, and with a wink to him I’m off on the dance floor.   
Dancing is one of those things in life where I can just let myself go. I learn quick enough that the blonde’s name is Sasha. She is one of those girls who doesn’t take any shit, and I like that, but tonight isn’t about her; it’s about dancing. I am not in the mood to take her home tonight. The music is mediocre- your average club pop music- but I don’t care. I just drown myself in the swaying of our bodies.   
I’ve always liked dancing; I like the way her hips keep bumping into mine as we slow dance, I love the fact that two complete strangers can find such joy in just the movement of bodies to music. But the dancing isn’t keeping me as distracted as it normally does. My mind keeps wandering to places I don’t want it go, and I can’t keep my eyes off Cas. He seems to almost glow in the neon light of the club, his clumsy feet trying to keep up with the brunette’s but failing dismally. He glances over at me and mouths the word ‘help;’ I give him the thumbs up and keep on dancing. In that moment, with Cas in his dorky jacket and his puppy-dog eyes looking lost on the dance floor, I can’t help but think how beautiful he is. This thought causes my stomach to clench as if I’ve just eaten an ass load of cement. Since when do I go around thinking of Cas as beautiful?   
When the song stops, I offer to buy Sasha a drink. We sit down at the bar, sipping our drinks and watching Cas and the brunette dance.   
“That’s some friend you got there,” Blondie says, her drink halfway to her lips.  
“Yeah, well, he can be a real pain in the ass, but he’s a good guy, you know? Smart, funny… the real deal.” Damn, I’m good. I mentally high-five myself for being a good wingman. She laughs at what I’ve just said.  
“Well, you sure seem smitten with him.” Her words make me choke on the whiskey I’ve just downed.  
“What are you implying?” I splutter, wiping the whiskey and spit from my chin. She stares at me as if I just sprouted a third eye.  
“Relax hot-shot, I was joking. No need to get your panties in a wad.”  
“Oh, yeah… I knew that-” I’m cut off by the brunette that was dancing with Cas. She comes over and grabs Blondie,   
“It’s time to go,” she huffs. They leave, both of them glaring at me as they go. Cas is still standing on the dance floor, looking bewildered.   
“Dude, what the hell did you do?” I ask, looking at Cas.   
“I uh, stepped on her foot then tried to touch it so I could make the pain go away.”  
He looks abashed, and it’s kind of cute. I shake my head.  
“You sure have a way with the ladies.” God, he’s hopeless.

I’m not sure how long we stay at the bar after that. Long enough for me to get drunk enough to drag Cas onto the karaoke machine. I pull him by the arm onto the stage, and after a few coaxing words, he reluctantly follows me. To say the least, neither of us can sing, but sing we do. We belt out Taylor Swift and some other songs I’ve never heard of. I hold the microphone between us our lips too close as we both lean in to sing into it. I can feel his breath, the wetness of his lips. He grabs onto the microphone, too, and we stand there, hands touching, looking into each other’s eyes, forgetting about the music. I can’t stop looking at his lips and I can’t stop thinking about how I want to kiss them. The boos from the crowd eventually snap me back to my senses.   
“Come on.” I tug Cas off the stage by the arm, not wanting to touch his hand. My head is spinning. I’ve had too many drinks, that’s all, I try to rationalize my own thoughts. We sit down together in a booth, facing each other. Neither of us speaks. I pray to God he can’t see through me, see my pulse racing at the thought of him.   
I knock back two coffees and a glass of water, trying to sober up so I can drive us to wherever we decide to go next. Once I’m sober enough to be trusted behind a wheel, we pay our bill using a stolen credit card and leave. It has been a long night, so I decide to get us a motel room and I’ll drive us back to the bunker in the morning.


	7. Cas

Dean has been looking at me all night, sneaking stolen glances when he thinks I am not looking. I’m not sure what it means. I’m hoping it means that he’s no longer mad at me, but I can never tell with Dean.  
Dean is clutching the steering wheel so tight his knuckles are white, and his face twists in concentration as he tries his best to not swerve off the road. Tonight was fun, and even though I found out I’m a horrible dancer, I still was able to find the evening very enjoyable. I know from when I was human that drinking can do things to you and I pray that isn’t why Dean was so happy. The way he looked at me while we were singing karaoke (karaoke was a concept that took me a while to grasp) made my heart stop (metaphorically, it didn’t literally stop; I don’t know if that’s possible in an instance such as this). I thought about kissing him then, the coaxing smell of liquor and sweat making my mind hazy. I could have done it, just leaned in. I am still thinking about it now. Kissing Dean Winchester. Naomi said I was lost when I first raised Dean from Hell, and maybe she was right. I know I’m a sinful angel but maybe I’ve been sinning for the right reasons.   
Dean still doesn’t look at me. He has the radio on, and he’s clenching his jaw and his eyes are focused only on the road. Which I guess is where they should be, but he doesn’t even attempt to make conversation with me. Maybe he is mad after all, but what do I know about humans and their temperaments? More likely he is still drunk and trying to make sure we don’t crash. I wish that, after all this time, I could know Dean Winchester inside and out, but half the time it feels like there’s a stranger sitting next me. We’ve known each other for 9 years, 3 months, 6 days, and 7 minutes. Which in itself doesn’t account for the actual amount of time we’ve spent together.   
When we get to the motel, he slams his car door without looking at me. The woman at the front desk is leaning on her elbows, her eyes closed with her head lolling. She wakes with a jolt when the bell rings, announcing our entrance.   
“Two rooms?” she asks, sleep still in her eyes. I don’t envy her job.  
“No, one will do just fine.” A look of dawning realization comes over her face at Dean’s words.  
“You can take room 3, it has one queen size bed.”   
“Oh- no, it’s not like that.” Dean looks flustered and almost angry by the girl’s mistake. He laughs nervously. “We’re brothers.” This remark hurts me in a way I can’t quite explain to myself.   
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the woman says, handing Dean another key. He takes it, muttering to himself.

The room is small, but there are two beds. Dean immediately flops himself on one, stretching out.  
“Damn am I tired.” I feel a bit awkward given the circumstances.  
“Dean… you know I don’t sleep.” He ignores me and continues to make himself more comfortable on his bed. After a while he looks up at me as if seeing me for the first time, a strange look on his face that I’m not sure if I trust.  
“So you never learned to dance?”


	8. Dean

I don’t know why, but I find the fact that no one ever taught Cas to dance tragic. So I decide to take on the responsibility of teaching him. I feel as if something burst inside of me while I was in the bar with Cas, watching him dancing with that girl. I have a horrible suspicion that it might have been jealousy. I get off the bed and clap my hands together, in what I hope is an ‘I’m pumped’ sort of way.  
“Here, I’ll teach you.”   
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea Dean. I’m sure I’ll be hopeless.” He looks almost ashamed, as if he thinks that I’d be disappointed at his inability to master the fine art of dancing.  
“Come on, have some faith, live a little.” Since I don’t have any way of playing my music, I go over to the clock radio on the bed-stand and flip through the stations until I eventually find a good 80’s station, perfect for dancing. ‘Safety Dance’ comes on and it makes me chuckle. What song would be more perfect than this one to teach someone to dance to?  
“Ok, first you’re going to have to let everything go, so go ahead and that stick out of your ass.” Cas glares at me for this comment, but I just laugh. “Dancing is about just getting lost in the music. Let’s treat this like I’m Kevin Bacon in Footloose and I’m teaching you, the stuck-up religious kid, how to dance. Remember, I made you watch that movie.” That was an interesting time, trying to explain to Cas why they thought God saw it as a sin to dance. “Hey, it ain’t your fault you can’t dance, you’re just like those other kids in the movie; your parents just never let you.”  
“Dean, you’re not ‘Kevin Bacon’ and I fail to see why learning to dance at this very moment is so important.”  
“Important! Did you even watch the movie? You remember his whole spiel to the preacher about why they should be able to dance?” God, I’ve gotten off track. I think I’m stuck in a Kevin Bacon spiral of hell. “Ok, the point is that I’m going to teach you to dance, and that’s the end of it, understood?” He grunts, never a man of many words. I begin to show him how to move with the music. He seems confused at first, not understanding the thrill and fun of it all. Pretty soon, though, we are dancing and laughing to the song. I’m sure we look like a pair of idiots, but at this point, I don’t give a shit. It is the most fun I’ve had for a long time. We shimmy and jive; at one point we end up just copying the dance in Pulp Fiction- the twist. When the song is over, we fall back onto the bed, laughing. We lay side by side on the bed, our legs dangling off the edge. I feel like a kid, giddy and carefree. I roll over and look at Cas, and he looks the happiest I’ve ever seen him, his eyes sparkling with mirth. We are still laughing when the next song comes on. It’s a slow song- Cyndi Lauper’s ‘Time After Time.’ I get up and take Cas’s hand, pulling him off the bed.  
“Come on, if you really want a chance with the ladies, you’re going to have to learn to slow dance.” He reluctantly lets me take his hand and put it on my waist, I put my own hand on his shoulder we stand like that for a while. I clear my throat  
“Here- if you want to learn, you be the boy and I’ll be the girl, so you’re going to have to lead.” I feel myself sweating under his gaze. I lead his feet, showing him when to step, how to keep with the beat. He keeps stepping on my feet and he eventually gets it. I feel like Tom Cruz in Rain Man teaching Dustin Hoffman to dance. But if Charlie Babbitt had the feelings toward Raymond that I am feeling for Cas right now, he would have gone to jail.   
“Cas, stop looking at your feet. You can’t look at your feet when you’re dancing with someone, that’s the first rule of dancing.” He looks up and smiles at me.   
“I think I’ve finally gotten the hang of this.” Our hands are pressed together and we’ve gotten perpetually closer, as if our bodies have their own gravitational pull bringing us together. Pretty soon the song is over and we’re still standing there, holding each other and swaying, our bodies pressing together, the world disappearing around us. And for once in my life I don’t think, I don’t care- I just let myself enjoy this.


	9. Cas

Even though I’m a hopeless dancer, Dean doesn’t get angry with me. His hands are on me, showing me where to put my own and how to move them. I’m actually really enjoying this, even though I know that Dean has no outside motive of love. I still find myself moving and letting go in a way that I never dreamt I would be possible of. I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen Dean this happy. He’s laughing and I’m laughing and it’s wonderful. I love his laugh, it makes me full inside. He’s happy- he’s ok. Even if it’s for a brief time, right now we are ok. When the fast song is over, I thought we were done but then my hands are in his, and he’s moving them to his waist and my gut drops. We stand there, holding each other, and he keeps telling me to move my feet in a certain way but I can’t pay attention. Every single one of my nerves are on edge and hyper-aware of our closeness. He smells like wood and exhaust pipes and I think I’m falling deeper and deeper in love with him. His hands on my shoulders are balled, and he’s tenser than when we were dancing to the faster song. After a while, he stops telling me how to dance and we just stay there, holding each other. Pretty soon the song is over and another one stars to play, but we don’t stop. I feel myself getting closer and closer to him, and soon we are no longer doing the box step, we are just holding each other and swaying, our bodies so close I can feel his heart beat on my chest. He’s still tense; every part of his body seems ready to spring away at any moment, ready for any threat. He won’t look me in the eyes; he’s looking over my shoulder. I can’t take this, I’m going to kiss him. I need to kiss him. I lift his chin, forcing him to look in my eyes, and he looks afraid. I don’t know why. I think he might think I’m going to hurt him, but he should know by now that I would never hurt him. He jerks away from me as soon as I touch his face.  
“Man I can’t do this Cas.” He puts his head in his hands and sits down on the edge of the bed.  
“Damnit, Dean, why not?! Why the Hell not?! We’ve been playing this game for the last nine years now, Dean, and I’m tired of it. I can’t stand it any more, Dean. I love you.” I love you. Those last three words seem to hang in the air as if they are laced with poison. I didn’t mean to say those words- I didn’t mean to give him everything, to leave everything out there for him to do with as he wishes.  
“Cas.” His voice cracks, he lifts his head from his hands. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do”.


	10. Dean

He loves me. I don’t know what to do with this information. Love. The big fucking L. Fuck. Fuck! I don’t know and I don’t want this for him, he deserves better and I know I can’t give him what he wants. I don’t know how I feel, I don’t know if I want him to know. I’ve always seen Cas as untouchable. I have felt that his presence has always been taunting me. He has always been something that has been constantly dangled on a string in front of me, just out of my reach. Through the years I’ve found myself yearning for him, but he could never be mine- he’s a man and an angel. But here he is, giving himself to me. I look up from my hands, looking at him, hoping to find the answer in his eyes. The air is electric (literally) with his anger.   
“You don’t have to do anything Dean.” Cas’s face softens. He takes my face with his hands and this time I let him. He looks me in the eyes, making sure I see him. Then he kisses me.   
I’m in love with him. The kiss is everything I ever needed in a kiss because it’s him; it’s Cas, my angel. I wrap my arms around him and pull him onto the bed with me.


	11. Cas

I was angry, what does he mean he doesn’t know what to do? He is Dean Winchester he always knows what to do. When he looked up from his hands and I saw the pain in his eyes, I knew that he is as trapped as I am, so I set us both free. I take his face in my hands and kiss him. It isn’t the first time that I have kissed someone, but the last person I kissed killed me (or tried to, at least). This is the first time I have ever felt anything from a kiss. His lips are breaking away every angelic barrier that I have to keep me from experiencing this moment. Everything stops, and he is all that matters, and I know that this is all that will ever matter. I let my fingers trace his jawline and entangle themselves in his hair. I kiss him harder and he pushes back, his tongue colliding with mine. He doesn’t hold back. With every touch I’m afraid he will pull, away claiming it is all a mistake, but he never does. For once I have him and he has me. He pulls me onto the bed and we hold each other, our kisses continuing. I am kissing Dean Winchester.


	12. Dean

I don’t stop him. I even give back. This is the first time I have ever felt truly vulnerable with someone. Years of taking home go-lucky women just for a fun time, I have never experienced the level of intimacy of just being held by someone I would die for. I love him. This is my truth. I don’t know if I like it, but I can’t change it. Right now, with him kissing me, I wouldn’t switch him with anyone in the world. It doesn’t matter that he is a man or an angel. He is beautiful, and I want to let him know that- I need to let him know that. I pull away from his kisses, our faces still so close our noses are touching. He looks slightly afraid at the sudden stop to our kissing, as if when he opens his eyes all of this will be gone. Part of me is afraid of that too. I take his face in my hands, running my thumb over his cheek.  
“You’re so beautiful, Castiel,” I breathe, my words so faint I’m afraid he doesn’t hear me. But then he smiles. I love his smiles. I love the little crinkles he gets around his eyes.  
“I love you, Dean Winchester,” is all he replies.  
“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this destiel fic and that you all have a lovely day!


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